Sample Chapter

Chapter 2: Knowledge is Power: What Works in Transracial Families

"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."- Nelson Mandela

Doing anything you’ve never done before is a scary thing. First time parents always make me laugh because I was the worst of them all. I thought I knew everything and quickly realized I knew very little. Like all first time parents, I made plenty of mistakes until I learned how to do the task at hand in order to meet the physical needs of my daughter. As she grew, I came to realize the same principle applies to her cultural needs. I had to learn.

I remember hearing a story in a support group about a couple bringing home their daughter after having read every possible book on transracial families, gay parenting, how to raise a strong black women when you’re not one, but had no idea how to get the buggers out of her nose! In my experience, adoptive parents go to great lengths to prepare for adoption. We read, we network, we research, we find support groups, etc. This is especially true for gay parents who tend to overcompensate for having an already unique family setting. As we arm ourselves with information about adoption, it is essential to include in the arsenal of resources information about cultural identity.

Open any of the books containing narratives by transracial adoptees and you will find some horror stories of adoptees who feel disconnected from black and white communities and uncomfortable in their own skin. Go a few pages farther and you will find a new story where race was not a huge issue and the child seemed to breeze through the process of identity development. Why such different experiences and what do we actually know about what Transracial adopted kids need?

The truth of the matter is there are as many different experiences in transracial adoption as there are transracial adoptees. Just as you will find stories of teens flying through adolescence unscathed, there are just as many dreadful stories of incredible pain and trauma inflected on and by young people. Since there aren’t many absolute certainties in life or adoption, let’s look at the patterns identified through research and experience to determine the best practices in transracial adoption.

Do Create a Village
Like it or not, we do not have certain life skills our children will need to operate in the world as people of color. We simply haven’t lived particular experiences that our children will encounter. I remember being asked by a skeptical relative during our first adoption how we planned to raise a strong black woman when we have never been strong black women. Excellent question! The answer is simple - I will surround my daughter with examples of strong black women so she can learn from every angle how to be strong, confident, and self assured.

Hilary Rodham Clinton coined the phrase “It takes a village to raise a child.” Never has this more true than for transracial families. I would like to think I know it all, but I don’t. I turn to the village for help at most turns in the road. In our family, the village includes God parents, members of our community of faith, adoption therapist, pediatrician, teachers, child care providers, babysitters, hair stylists and friends.

I am a seeker of role models of color for my children. I have found them in many different places and I treasure each of them because together, we are building the racial identity of the most important people in my life. Our village was not created by chance. It was carefully and purposefully assembled as a support system for our family. And these are the people I turn to for support and guidance in the areas of life where I hold no experience to share with my daughters. Just call us Village People. It works for our family!

Do introduce your child to his or her culture
I recently heard someone say cultural identity is learned and not automatically present in children. I believe this to be true and therefore hold the great responsibility of introducing my children to a culture to which I do not belong, which is no easy task. There was a time not so long ago when I envied families whose members resembled each other. Life must be so much easier when you just get to live life without putting so much thought into every move. While those other families may have it easier, I am fairly certain they do not have as much fun as my family does on this roller coaster ride we call transracial parenting! Since becoming a parent seven years ago, I have yet to experience a dull moment. It is incredibly important to seek out cultural opportunities for your kiddos at every age. Look for museums, dance groups, sporting groups, places of worship, Scouting, schools, and neighborhoods. Find the places in your community where you can see other faces of color. Remember your child is surrounded by white faces by simply being a member of your family.

We made the decision six years ago to enroll our oldest daughter, Madison, at a Christian pre-school 20 minutes away from our home. The teachers are black, the administrators are black, the students are black, and the example is priceless. It has not been easy driving back and forth twice a day for the last six years to this pre-school when there are dozens of others between here and there, but the drive is worth the end result. The teachers at Mt. Sinai have taught me how to comb hair and introduced me to dozens of cultural opportunities I would have never discovered on my own. This school has embraced my family and I am thankful every day for the opportunity to be part of this establishment. Through Mt. Sinai, I have learned to walk the walk.

I have found a comfortable place in my own skin in the black community. Where is your Mt. Sinai?

Do find a support group
Adoption is a life changing event with many uncertainties. Since we did not carry our children through nine months of pregnancy and have limited, if any, history about the birth family, there are usually more questions than answers in terms of physical, mental, and emotional predispositions. Add the emotional hot button of race to the mix and you have the makings for an impressive display of fireworks. When I became a mother, I reconciled my own childhood. I saw my childhood with a mother’s eyes and realized the gift I have in my own mother. When I became the mother of an African American daughter, I saw every person of color with a mother’s eyes. This was an opportunity to address my own fears and prejudices. I needed a safe environment to process my thoughts and feelings about race and adoption. Thankfully, I found Parenting Across Color, a support group for parents who have adopted Transracially. In this environment, I could talk about the things I couldn’t say to friends and family without judgment. This support group has been essential to my parenting journey. Find yours soon.

Do seek out opportunities for YOU to be the minority.
Have you ever gone to a place or an event and realized you are the only person of your race in the room? I grew up in South Mississippi where my school district worked hard to maintain a 60/40 racial mix. I have often been in a place where I am the only white face and it hasn’t always been a good feeling. As a child, I felt afraid to be surrounded by people who weren’t like me. I felt anxious to find another face like mine. I wonder if my oldest daughter, Madison, ever felt this way when she looked around the dinner table. I know she did when she started the first grade and found the words to share her discomfort with me. She asked if she could move to a different school where there were more brown faces in her classroom. Her words cut me like a knife because I would rather walk across broken glass than have her know a moment of fear or anxiety. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we live in our dream home and I plan to be buried in the backyard someday. While we do have African American neighbors, Madison only has 2 brown faces in her classroom of 20 students. I wish I could pick the house up and plant it in another school district, but I can’t. And I am not prepared to move. So what is a girl to do? I am always looking for opportunities for my daughters to be in the majority. I am always counting brown faces and pink faces to find the right mix where my girls can be comfortable in their surroundings. All four of my children attend or attended Mt. Sinai Christian Academy, a pre-school in a black church. For several years, Madison took dance classes at a school on the other side of town where there were only 2 pink faces in the room. We were recently invited to join an African dance troupe with traditional drummers that meets every Saturday. We attend a church with a equal mix of pink and brown faces in the sanctuary. And I am sure by the time you read this book, I will have joined other organizations in which my children have the opportunity to be in the racial majority.

Until you get comfortable in your own skin, you can’t help your kiddos be comfortable in their skin. Keep in mind you have no idea what it is like to walk in their skin. Be the racial minority when you can. Your kids will be all the better for it.

Do consider a sibling group
Last summer our family took a cruise through the Inside Passage of Alaska where we encountered another transracial family. They were from Vermont where the African American population is low. This family had adopted 3 African American children in a predominantly Caucasian state. The mother told me with great conviction that she believed Caucasian parents adopting African American children should adopt a sibling group or consider adopting other children of color to keep them from not feeling alone or lonely in their own family. I completely agreed.

Madison was an only child for 4 years when we decided to adopt again. In addition to wanting another kiddo, I wanted Maddie to have another brown face on the Christmas card. We now have 4 daughters and we, as parents, are in the racial minority. My girls think this is very funny and I am happy they have each other to share this wild ride of being in a transracial family. As empathetic and sensitive as I am, I can never know what it feels like to be the only anything in a family. Fortunately, my daughters have 3 sisters who know exactly what it feels like.

Don’t be color blind To ignore your child’s ethnicity is to deny the most obvious feature of your kiddo. While this was the recommended course of action many years ago in terms of transracial parenting, it is no longer true. According to a recent study at the University of Texas, racial profiling starts at a very early age. “We know that the process starts very early in development. Many parents we meet say their child doesn't notice race yet, and they are colorblind. They play with someone and don't even notice their race. We now know that's not true at all," UT Professor of Psychology Dr. Becky Bigler said. The University of Texas studied 84 white mothers and their children, ages 4 and 5, by having mothers read 2 books to their pre-schoolers. Both books featured issues of race. The results were clear that white parents tend not to discuss race, which is part of our white privilege. People of color are not as fortunate in being able to ignore the color of their skin. While we may see our children as miracles, the world will simply see them as black. Do your child a favor early on by acknowledging their ethnicity. Through this affirmation by the most important person in their life, you will lay the corner stone of building their cultural identity.